Hotel Loitering

As you read this right now, you are standing in a hotel lobby. How do we know this? We paid the doorbell to hand you this note, you dolt. How many times have we told you to quit questioning our authority?

The man you are to meet will be in the bathroom on the east side of the room at precisely 11:39 p.m. You will be there 63 seconds after he enters the door to said bathroom. Be sure to measure the time interval exactly, but (in case it need be said again) for God’s sake do not LOOK like you are counting the seconds. We will be monitoring your progress; we will know if you do this.  Upon entering the bathroom, locate the contact. This is the easiest step in the process. He has canaries for shoes; he cannot be missed. If you are thinking “This must be a secret message, or something. Canaries aren’t shoes”, you’ll be quite surprised to find out that we mean he has little yellow birds on his feet. You will see them, for surely you cannot miss him. Once contact is made, tell him this, “Chester! I should have known you would be here! You may have won this battle, you sly dog, but my pink flamingos will out live everyone!” This is the code phrase that will set our plan in motion. We believe it is only fair to warn you that, at this point, he will strip down to his canaries and run at you. You are to run away. This, again, should be a simple task, as you showed promise for running away from aggressive nudies when we included you in that raid on the Turkish prostitution ring. There are pictures of it in the office, how could we forget?

This may seem to be nonsense at this time, but let us assure you that this is all part of a very well coordinated, long thought-out plan that is completely over your head. We don’t want you bogged down with the complexity of it all, so we only give you your part. Try to do your best.

Now that you have run away from your contact, use the Japanese smoke spheres to cause more confusion, and make a clean getaway with your contact’s abandoned clothes. Outside, you will find a Goodwill store. Discreetly deposit the clothes in the Goodwill store, then go to the least-adept looking cashier and whisper the phrase “I have a gun” into his/her ear. This is also a code phrase, one that will trigger an evacuation of the store, if you do this correctly. Invade the manager’s office, and press the blue-ish button behind the door. You will hear, and hopefully feel, an explosion nearby. This is good. After hearing the explosion, feel free to go home, eat your popcorn, and catch a nap. We will chat later.

Remaining ever vigilant,

The Man Inc.