Beaugly

            “Dude! Dude, this porn-“

            “I don’t care, don’t tell me about what you do in your free time, Jeff.”

            “No, you don’t get it. It was fuckin’ weird, I can’t get it out of my head.”

            “Was it just that amazing? I heard some screaming, didn’t sound like it came from you.  I keep telling you to turn that shit down, I don’t want you to announce whenever you’re jerking off.  Seriously, pull that shit again, and I’m taking a hammer to your computer.  Wear some earphones for fuck’s sake.  You know what those are, right? Tiny little pieces of machinery that actually take what your speakers put out, and put it only in your ears?  They’re great for privacy, Jeff. Check that shit out.”

            “What? Oh, yeah, no shit, man.  I have some… somewhere.  As soon as I find mine, I’ll start using them, I promise, but-“

            “Seriously, until then, remember: hammer, through your computer. God damn privacy. It’s simple.”

            “No need to be a douche about it.  Anyway, yeah, I can’t decide whether what I just saw was beautiful or ugly. It’s weird, man.”

            “Ok, I’ll bite.  How could it possibly have been ugly? Was she missing a boob? Did she have a dick?”

            “No, I’m pretty sure she had both boobs, and didn’t have a dick.  I don’t watch uniboob porn or dicked-chick shit, you know that.”

            “Oh, don’t I?”

            “But still, there were all sorts of weird things.  Like, why were the candles talking? It never said it was Beauty and the Beast porn.  If it was, it was missing the Beast, and the Beauty, ‘cause then I would have known it wasn’t ugly.”

            “I don’t see why you’re bothering me with this.”

            “Because you were in it.  And I was in it.”

            “… I think you’re full of shit.  We never did anything like that.”

            “Yeah, that’s what I thought, too.  I would have remembered that, but there we were.  Did we ever have penguins? Or Asians?”

            “I fucking hate Asians, and their food. Fuckin’ food doesn’t do anything but give me bad breathe, I’m hungry 40 minutes after stuffing myself with it.”

            “Yeah… That’s not what I would have guessed, based on that video.  You and that Asian and me and the candles… it looked like we were havin’ a good time.”

            “How about you go back to your room, and fuck yourself to sleep? I’m tired of this conversation.”

            “Ok.  I’m just sayin’.  Good night.”

            “Good afternoon, Jeff.”