“Dude!
Dude, this porn-“
“I don’t
care, don’t tell me about what you do in your free time, Jeff.”
“No, you
don’t get it. It was fuckin’ weird, I can’t get it out of my head.”
“Was it
just that amazing? I heard some screaming, didn’t sound like it came from
you. I keep telling you to turn that
shit down, I don’t want you to announce whenever you’re jerking off. Seriously, pull that shit again, and I’m
taking a hammer to your computer. Wear
some earphones for fuck’s sake. You know
what those are, right? Tiny little pieces of machinery that actually take what
your speakers put out, and put it only in your ears? They’re great for privacy, Jeff. Check that
shit out.”
“What? Oh,
yeah, no shit, man. I have some…
somewhere. As soon as I find mine, I’ll start
using them, I promise, but-“
“Seriously,
until then, remember: hammer, through your computer. God damn privacy. It’s
simple.”
“No need to
be a douche about it. Anyway, yeah, I
can’t decide whether what I just saw was beautiful or ugly. It’s weird, man.”
“Ok, I’ll
bite. How could it possibly have been
ugly? Was she missing a boob? Did she have a dick?”
“No, I’m
pretty sure she had both boobs, and didn’t have a dick. I don’t watch uniboob porn or dicked-chick
shit, you know that.”
“Oh, don’t
I?”
“But still,
there were all sorts of weird things.
Like, why were the candles talking? It never said it was Beauty and the
Beast porn. If it was, it was missing
the Beast, and the Beauty, ‘cause then I would have known it wasn’t ugly.”
“I don’t
see why you’re bothering me with this.”
“Because
you were in it. And I was in it.”
“… I think
you’re full of shit. We never did
anything like that.”
“Yeah,
that’s what I thought, too. I would have
remembered that, but there we were. Did
we ever have penguins? Or Asians?”
“I fucking
hate Asians, and their food. Fuckin’ food doesn’t do anything but give me bad
breathe, I’m hungry 40 minutes after stuffing myself with it.”
“Yeah…
That’s not what I would have guessed, based on that video. You and that Asian and me and the candles… it
looked like we were havin’ a good time.”
“How about
you go back to your room, and fuck yourself to sleep? I’m tired of this
conversation.”
“Ok. I’m just sayin’. Good night.”
“Good
afternoon, Jeff.”