Thanks, Kenny

            “Step right up, and see the shoes!” the street vendor with a shit-eating mustache yelled enthusiastically at the passers by.  “The shoes, ladies and gentlemen, that will turn you into a money making machine! I guarantee it, come ask me why, don’t be shy now.”  His vest and slacks were such an intense yellow that it brought to my mind the most obnoxious twinkie I’ve ever seen.  That was the point, I guess, it definitely grabbed my attention.  I had walked by this guy every other day for the past three and a half months, and not once had I paid him any mind. 

            That day had a unique feel to it, though.  There was just the right combination of bored with life’s shit, an adventurous feeling, and optimism to make it the right day to go up and see what the hell this obnoxious twinkie was talking about.  Rather than stubbornly avoid eye contact and walk right by him, as I had every other time I’d seen him, I walked up to that vendor, shook his hand, and asked him to tell me more.  I thought I would have to feign interest, but to my surprise, it came up naturally.  I found myself incredibly curious about the shoes this man had been trying to sell to the world for months, and I guess he picked up on that.  His response had much more enthusiasm in it than what I would have expected.

            “Thank you, sir! Thank you, thank you!  You won’t regret this foray into the novelties of our world! In fact, I can say with no shade of uncertainty that you will always remember this day as the day that your life finally turned around from the dull, useless life that you used to lead. And how pathetic it was, as you very well know.”  The man’s face and arms were getting more and more animated as he spoke. I didn’t think he could have gotten any more animated than he was before I had talked to him, but he proved me wrong within half a minute.  It was almost disturbing how much this man moved.  He seemed to vibrate in place from sheer excitement. I asked him to go on.

            “Absolutely, absolutely! Now, what we have for you today is our lovely, yet highly controversial, Jew Shoes.  I’m sure you know that Jews are hated throughout the world, but do you know why? It is because the rest of the world is jealous of the astounding success of the Jews!  For centuries, Jews have been more successful in life than almost any other group of people, and their success can be attributed in part to the shoes they wear.  The shoes I bring you today are the same Jew Shoes that they wore when Israel was created by America, and that was a great day for Judaism around the world!  Buy these shoes, and you will be successful, I guarantee it!  Your friends will hate you, your neighbors will most assuredly try to kill you, but you will rise above them all, and become the object of finger pointing for numerous global conspiracies because of the massive amount of wealth and influence you will accumulate in a conspicuously short amount of time and effort!  The secrets of how to get anywhere in the world are known only to Jews, as their Torah contains knowledge of the inner workings of the universe –on a quantum level, no less- that only they can read or understand because they are the only ones that dare to wear these shoes! The only step left is for you to seize this glorious opportunity, unlike the rest of these poor, ignorant peasants you see walking by us.”

            I nodded, and thought to myself for a minute.  That was a lot for one person to say without any prompting. Had he memorized that entire monologue? Had he even stopped once for breathe?  I couldn’t remember him breathing in at all during that whole pitch.  He claimed to know about the universe, yet I had a trick that I thought he wouldn’t know.  If shoes were equivalent to power, Mr. Bill Gates would own a shoe company.  Since he didn’t, I could easily deduce that this man was spewing a fountain of gilded bullshit.  Time to show him my knowledge of the inner workings of the universe, then. 

            “Ok, I’m in.  I don’t have any money on me at the moment, though. Mind if I drop by the store across the street, so that I may get some method of compensation for you and your time?” I asked him, hoping he’d take the bait.  What salesman could resist the chance of a sale, anyway?

            “Oh, that’s quite alright. I’ll sit here, you know where I’ll be. Just be sure to come back, or you’ll miss out on the best enhancement of your life!” He said, flourishing a shoe box at my face.

            With a poorly suppressed smirk, I turned away and walked over to the Wal-Mart on the other side of the street.  They were the only store I knew of that sold orange hoodies without any zippers, which surprised me when I found the power those specific hoodies held.  Why hadn’t anyone else tapped this incredible power?  I bought one ($15 is a small price to pay for power no one but Trey Parker understands), and returned to the twinkie-ish vendor.

            “I have money now, but I also want to give you this hoodie as a token of my appreciation for your patience and acumen. Never before have I known anyone to study the universe as well as you, please accept my offer.” I said as I extended the hoodie toward him.

            “Thank you, sir! I’ve never known anyone to offer clothes for shoes, but this is perfectly acceptable!  I treasure the novelty of such an occurrence, thank you!”  He took my money and the hoodie, while I took the bullshit shoes with a smile.  I walked past him for a few seconds, then turned around and watched.  He had donned the hoodie already, who could resist such an eye-catching garment?  As he returned to his daily routine of shouting at passers by to buy his line of shit, a Fedex truck swerved drunkenly across the road, ran up the sidewalk, and crushed him to death.  Seeing my success, I smiled and threw the shoes away in the closest trash can.

            Jew shoes, indeed.