You've Stayed Too Long

            “You’ve stayed too long.”

            “What?”

            “I said you’ve stayed too long. Get the hell out of here!”

            Realizing what the security guard said, Randy turned around and walked out of the Petsmart with his head hung in dejected silence. How could this have gone so wrong, he wondered to himself, passing by the cash registers.

            Suddenly, his pants flew about his head.

            “Take your pants with you, asshole. We don’t need them here.”

            “Oh. Thanks. I guess I forgot about those.” Randy half mumbled to himself as well as the guard. Truth was, he had never really liked wearing pants. They had made him feel enfettered by society, and that always got him down. He sighed, and slowly slipped his pants back as the automatic doors opened and closed in front of him, as if they had forgotten him as he had forgotten his pants. He looked at the dogs that passed by and looked at him. They didn’t judge him like the people they came in with did. They seemed as frightened of this place as he was of his proctologist. That thought made Randy shiver a bit, but he continued buckling his pants, anyway.

            “I just really like the vitamins here.” He told one of the cashiers. Her name was Lisa, judging by the nametag on her shirt. “You understand, don’t you, Lisa?”

            “Those vitamins are nice, yes, if you’re a chameleon. I don’t think they work so well for us. Have you tried doing this sort of thing at, I don’t know… GNC?”

            “You know, I just might give that a try. Thank you!” She was surprisingly helpful, Randy thought as he walked out of the store. This new idea might just work. Hopefully he would avoid jail the next time, too.