Done Nothing

            I woke up in a jail cell this morning.  I felt fine, other than the fact that I didn’t know why I was in jail. I’d heard of these things happening to other people, but I didn’t expect it to happen to me. I mean, I don’t do anything wild or crazy like that. The most exciting thing I do is play checkers with people at the old folks’ home near my house. They’re nice people, I don’t see why their families don’t see them more often. I mean, sure, it smells funky, but get over it, you know? I’m not into that whole “rules are made to be broken” stuff. They’re there for a reason, and I never really felt jail was where I wanted to be.

            I looked around the jail cell, I saw someone else in a bed. This makes perfect sense, since I surely wasn’t going to be the only person in jail today, but I was still trying to grasp the fact of where I was, so seeing someone else was still spooky.  There were two beds, so I wasn’t sure why I had to wake up on the ground, either.  That doesn’t seem fair. I’m new, but why do I get tossed on the ground?  Not cool, Mr. Prison Guard.

            “Not cool, Mr. Prison Guard.” I accidentally said aloud.

            “Who the fuck asked you?” said a very big-sounding voice down the hallway.

            “What? Oh, uh, no one?  May I ask you a question, though?” That was the best I could come up with while my mind was full of thoughts like “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, etc.”

            “This isn’t a cla-“

            “What did I do? You know, to get me thrown in here.  I don’t remember doing anything.” I know, it’s rude to interrupt, but I really needed to know. I heard foot steps, BIG foot steps, coming down the hallway towards my cell, and couldn’t suppress the feeling of eminent doom that snuck up from my toes and into my head. “Please, please don’t rape me.” I whispered under my breathe.

            “What was that?” the guard asked when he got to my cell. I didn’t look at him. My shoes were a much friendlier sight, I think, and I was already behind bars, so what was going to happen?

            “What did I do wrong? The last thing I remember is watching TV at my house. That isn’t illegal yet, is it?” I asked my shoes.

            The guard answered, thankfully. “You don’t remember?”

            “No.”

            “You didn’t do anything.”

            “I didn’t do anything?”

            “You didn’t do anything. Just think of what would have happened if you had actually done something.” The guard smirked, I think. I still didn’t look at him, but he gave off an “I’m smirking” vibe that I couldn’t help but feel, if that makes any sense.

            “So what happens now?”

            “Nothing. We just changed your location. You’ve done nothing with your life before this point, so you’ll do nothing with the rest of your life in here. We figured you would continue your trend regardless.”

            And with that, he was gone.