Masker's Mark

            Sometimes I like to walk through banks, wearing a Richard Nixon mask. I sneak up to people, shake my jowls noisily and say “BOO!” and everyone jumps to the ground.  It’s like we’re playing “Simon Says”, and “BOO!” means “Simon says scream and get on the ground.” Sometimes people expect me to shoot up the place, but I don’t have any guns. They never believe me when I tell them that, though. I just take some of the candy they offer to the kids, and go back outside. Kids don’t have any money, either, so it’s not like the banks are out anything from my candy jar pillaging.

            I made it on the paper once that way. I wouldn’t have known it was me in the paper, other than any other fake bank robbery, but I’m the only one that wears a Richard Nixon mask and says “BOO!” One time, I tried saying “Yo quero una chimichanga!” but people just asked me to leave.  A guard asked me if he could get some of what I was on, as I was leaving, but I told him that I didn’t speak English.  He quit talking to me after that.  I felt like I lost a friend that day, that guy is a nice guard.  He’s always smiling and pleasant to the people that don’t wear masks, I get the feeling that he’s happy with where his life is at the moment. Fernando, my pet ferret, asked me one time why I do this.  I couldn’t think of a good answer at that time, and told him to just enjoy the Twinkies I got him.  They had sparkles, goddammit, and he fucking loves sparkles.

            Ever since then, though, I haven’t been able to get that question out of my head. Why do I enjoy putting on a Richard Nixon mask and getting candy from a bank?  At first, I thought it was just to make a statement about the role of the government in the rising poverty levels in our nation, and perhaps across the world.  As time has passed, though, I have begun to think that there may be more to it than that. Maybe, just maybe, I’m doing this to fill a predetermined niche in the universe. Maybe I’m a piece of a bigger reality than I could comprehend.  What if there’s a big plan out there that we don’t know about, and I’m playing a part in it? What if someone has to go into those banks, wearing a mask? I just happen to be the guy for the job! I could be fulfilling a destiny, going toward the greater good: the balance of the universe.  If it wasn’t me, someone else would be going in there, doing something similar, but I’m doing it instead. I wonder what the alternative person would do. What would his name be? Or would a woman do it? I like my work, though, so I keep on going.