Lost

            Aye, ‘twas a hell of a stint, I tell ya!  Thar I were, shakin’ and starvin’ in the brig.  I had no ale nor brooms to speak of as manner of consolation, it was a bad fix-up, what they done to me.  Sure, I done what they said I did, what with the shooting a cannon at Seamus, and whatnot, but I’d loaded the cannon full of parrots from the captain’s quarters, so as not to harm ‘im none.  That wasn’t fittin’ fer what they’d done to me, as punishment.  It just weren’t right.

            Be that as it were, I took to lickin’ the bars for sustenance.  Whilst I was lickin’, the ship shook violent-like!  I thought we were being attacked by other pirates, as what happened from time to time, but no holes came through the ship as it shook.  No, somethin’ else was goin’ on, entirely.  In a valiant fury, I tried to bite my way out of my fetters, but ‘twas to no avail.  I yelled fer assistance, but Porter just screamed back that I weren’t git’n’ no damn ale, and that I were a sea-forsaken idjit ass for askin’ at this particular time.  That’s when the children of the kraken came floodin’ in from Poseidon-knew-where on the ship.  The squids took Porter, the hapless bastard, by surprise and ate him in no time flat.  Hearin’ his squelchin’ and screamin’, I recommenced my efforts of biting my way free.  As it was before, I had no luck until the little bastards slid down the stairway and ate my cage like it was some fancy cheese.  Most o’ ‘em slid away after that, I think they were full, but a few attacked me. I fended ‘em off as best I could, but my prowess had dwindled a tad, as I’d had no ale in days.  Everyone knows a man fights better with the good stuff in ‘im.  I kept ‘em off most of me, but one lucky sumbitch threw itself at my foot, and latched on good.  I screamed with bloody vengeance in mind, and ran over to the cannons (which they kept right by the prisoners, for some reason).  I threw myself in the cannon with some powder, and blew myself and the foot-munchin’ pinprick devil into the ocean.  The thing attackin’ my foot died in the process, but it took my foot and half my calf with it.

            And that, son, is how come I wear this peg leg now.