Public Service Announcement

These are the lies, as we know them:

            Contrary to popular belief, pigs CAN fly, which leads to some rather unsettling predicaments.  People have reacted either by killing themselves, trying to fly, or grabbing butterfly nets and baseball bats to harness the “magical powers” of the newly discovered aeronautical pigs.

            Sales taxes are a national lie created as a joke between Jose Consenco and Fred Jones, two custodians that worked the same area and shift in the Pentagon during the 40’s.  A security guard on duty finally caught on while watching some of the tapes, thought it was serious, and it spread from there.

            Van Gough didn’t cut off his ear as an expression of love for another.  He cut it off and hung it from his alarm clock to remind himself of what happens when you fuck with Santa Claus at the wrong time of year.

            Santa Clause isn’t really human. He’s a disgusting mutt-mix of a polar bear, walrus, and George Harrison, otherwise known as The Beatle That Wasn’t John, Paul, Or Ringo.  The American people must be kept from the terrible truth, for the truth is horrible.

            The truth really isn’t all that horrible most of the time.  Scientists have discovered that all we need to cope with it would be a nice slab of honey ham, 29 oz of Sunny Delight, and a ferret every day, and the impact of truth on the common man is diminished by at least 83.74%.

            The AMA has been misspelling Asperger’s Disease for decades to avoid the obvious criticism that victims of the disease would suffer if everyone knew that they were pronouncing it correctly, and it truly is called Ass-Burger’s Disease.  The FTA has been saying for years that assaults on retarded people’s anuses would increase by at least 6-fold if everything was spelled correctly, so we continue printing and insisting on spelling it “Asperger’s”.

            On a related topic, Ass-Burger’s victims have been observed socializing with flying pigs, and there are reports of odd people flying on pigs through major metropolitan areas.  This led geologists to look more closely into the idea of hell, which gave us the opportunity to use the Hell-o-scope.  There was much rejoicing the finance department, since the accusation that the Hell-o-scope was an enormous waste of tax money are finally being refuted with viable evidence.

            Much to the disappointment of religious people everywhere, and to the befuddlement of geologists somewhere over in the next room, the Hell-o-scope shows that hell is not the fire-y pit of doom as is believed by the masses.  Under closer inspection (which is ANY inspection at all), we have found it to more closely resemble a snowman’s head.  Sociologists were prompted yesterday to look into what inspires children to make such horrendously coincidental constructs in snow.

            Having read this memorandum, it has been assumed that you have donned the appropriate necktie with tracking device, and the indoctrination has been an overwhelming success.

Please sign at the bottom of this piece of carpet to confirm our assumptions.